Ayahuasca Retreat in Costa Rica (Part 2)

The shaman opened a glass jar of red liquid, stood in front of 11 of us, and said calmly “first cup.” It all hit me. It’s happening. I’m about to drink aya-fricking-huasca in the jungle of Costa Rica. I was calm, ready, and felt fine up until I saw the little Israeli shaman with a shot glass in one hand and a large jar in the other looking directly at me. He nodded his head with a warm smile, a sign to come forward and drink the medicine. We were gathered in an open adobe temple with a fire pit in the middle. There were shrines of different spiritual leaders, crystals, and incense burning. We were all given a thin mattress with a top sheet and a pillow. There were about 4 puke buckets placed evenly between the group. Candles lit up the open space all around us as we aligned in a circle formation around the fire. People of all ages, ethnicities (mostly gringos), and walks of life gathered to receive answers from the spirit grandmother of Ayahuasca.

First Cup of Ayahuasca

I walked up to receive my “first cup” and took it back like a 16-year-old who takes their first shot of tequila. I immediately gagged. It was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever drank, worse than gin or a kale green juice. It tastes kind of like poison disguised with cranberry. It reminded me of the times when I was little and my mom tried to hide vitamins in my apple sauce and I would gag and refuse to eat it. I thought for a second this could possibly be poison, like one of those documentaries you see with a bunch of hippies drinking poison together and committing suicide. I wanted to be completely serious about the situation, but I couldn’t help laugh at a few things. First off, we’re all dressed in white. The professional spiritual hippies are dressed in the most elegant white loose knit pants and Jesus tops. Here I am dressed in a stained white tank top, grey yoga pants with high REI hiking socks. I wore my hair in a messy bun tied with a pink scrunchy, set for an all girls sleepover.

Everyone took their ayahuasca shot then sat in a crossed legged meditation pose. I really tried to sit cross-legged as long as possible. I really did. I last usually around 2 minutes then I go to the “bear pose” (yes, I made that up) where I sit with my legs wide open and back rested on the wall behind me.

The music starts, we turn to different pages in a thick song book made by the shaman and his partner. The shaman announces the song number then begins to play his guitar or drum and sing the repetitive song. He had the voice of a rock star, like a woke Steven Tyler. Within about 20 minutes, the first person starts tripping. I look to my right and left, the lady to my right lays down and the woman on my left starts to slowly raise her arms outward in a joyous trance. Oh shit, it’s kicking in, I thought.

I start to feel the medicine. A sensation takes over my entire body communicating she is with me. I lay down on my little cot and lay my head on the pillow. I start seeing visions. Fairly quickly, I have a vision of a small child. I realize I am seeing a baby’s soul attached to my ovary. I feel the sense that it is time to let go of the baby. I start sobbing. Years back I lost a child. I never mourned the experience. I didn’t want a baby at the time so I released the memory without recognizing the emotional impact it could have on my life. I sobbed saying goodbye to the little girl. My ovary was in physical pain even days later. I felt a sense of loss and relief.

I kept asking Aya why I am angry. How do I release my anger? She never responded.

The music kept playing and beautiful voices took over the space. After some time the shaman stopped and allowed time for silence.

Second Cup of Ayahuasca

The ceremony started at around 5pm, but after that I had no sense of time. It may have been hours when the shaman stood at the front of the room for a second time and announced, “second cup.” I rose quickly into a crossed position, confident and ready, then my mind went into a child-like form. But I don’t wanna take a second cup, I thought. It’s nasty. I threw my blanket over my head and laid in the fetal position. I hear several people going up to accept their second cup. My mind went in circles. Maybe I should, but no, I’m still feeling the medicine. Don’t be afraid! It’s the first night, maybe I should take it easy. All of the sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder. I slowly unveil my face. The shaman says, “second cup?” I shake my head no like a toddler saying no to vegetables. “Just a little bit?” he asks while shaking his head yes. I accept. I follow him to the front, put my hands in prayer position at my forehead as he pours an entire shot of medicine (not a little bit like he had claimed). I take the shot and again gag in front of him. I walk back to my cot proud of pushing through and grateful for the shaman’s help.

About 30 minutes after my second cup, I knew it was time to purge. The medicine rolls around in my stomach, ready to come up. I hold my hand at my mouth and quickly escape the hut into the forest. I puke all of the medicine out then dry heave for a couple of minutes after. I sit in a frog like position and look up at the stars. It was absolutely magical. Every single star in the galaxy was visible. The sky lit up with shooting stars and lightning. I stared up, eyes wide open with disbelief.

I went back to laying down and at some point drifted into dreamland. I shot up in the middle of the night into a seated position. Where’s everyone? Then I notice tucked in bodies sound asleep around me. Within seconds, Darien (my partner) looks up at me from across the room. Men and women are separated during the ceremony, one half men and other half of the room women. I sneak over to go cuddle in Darien’s small cot. We look at each other with complete understanding. We both had one of the most meaningful nights of our lives. Something none of our closest friends and family will ever understand. He squeezes me with intensity and we fall asleep until the morning.

Closing Ceremony of the First Night

We are awakened by Tibetan singing bowls. A light echoing noise that confuses me a first. I release this is our alarm clock and I get up to return to my bed and belongings.

We close the ceremony with music and dancing. I feel weak. The last two days we barely consumed any calories in preparation for the ceremony. I was ready for another nap but tried to sing along with the group. At one point I gave up, feeling like I was going to pass out and sat down.

Finally, we were free to leave. My new friend and I walked arm and arm for our 15 minute walk back to the retreat center. She felt like an older sibling or mother figure, concerned at my weakened state. Her intention of the ceremony was self-love and purpose. She received a queen’s crown during the night from Aya. She woke up feeling energized and full of joy. It was beautiful to see her transformation in such a short period of time.

Breakfast was served. I stuffed oatmeal and fruit down my throat like a starving child. I felt immediate regret as my stomach began to turn. A friend looks at me and says “are you feeling nauseous?” I turn and run to the garden to throw up my entire breakfast. Shortly after, we had a sharing circle and I cried and openly shared my experience with my new family.

After, I laid in bed starving, questioning whether I could go through another night of this. It was too much. It was emotionally draining and hard. At the same time, it was worth all the effort. I just didn’t know if I could go through it all again.

I napped and ate a lunch of boiled yucca for lunch, filling me up with energy needed for a second night.

Second Ayahuasca Ceremony at the Fire Temple

The second night, a new group filled the fire temple. Four of us were a part of the retreat, the other eight were locals or friends of the shaman. A more mature crowd took up the space with strong females and strong males. There was a beautiful woman with dreads next to me, I had the sense it was her 50th or so ceremony. My friend, a familiar face whom I’d spent the last days with was on my right again. The shaman warned that the brew tonight would be a bit more intense. Also the friends joining this evening were very musical.

My first cup led to Aya teaching me how to grow (not in height, but in life…lol). Her spirit was very nurturing. She encouraged me to sit up and cross my legs, to breathe. I did as she said. I became tired and laid back down. She told me I did great. Little by little I will grow and be closer to the source.

I saw my soul as a young girl, not yet ready for somethings. I accepted it and I grew to understand myself more, why I am the way I am. I looked around the room at times and saw old faces on some of the people. By old faces, I mean old grandmas and grandpas in their 90s. I was surrounded by souls who had been here for lifetimes.

Fourth Cup of Ayahuasca

It was time for the second cup of the night, my fourth cup of the retreat. Part of me knew my body did not want another disgusting cranberry forest poison shot, but I got up and took it anyway. I drank my aya shot and immediately ran outside and threw up all of it’s contents out. I wasted the medicine, I thought. I felt sad and disappointed in myself. A friend took my hand after I was done throwing up and led me to a short lawn chair outside the temple. I sat down slowly and she pointed to a glowing red star, “that’s mars,” she said. She had told me earlier in the day mars is visible on clear nights. I was so grateful to be outside. I sat for the next hour tapping my feet to the music and staring up at the sky. Aya’s message of the night was gratitude. I think sometimes I get easily angered or annoyed, because I forget to stop and look around. We live on a gorgeous planet with extravagant beauty. Nature is a gift and the people in our lives are a gift. As I sat in that legless lawn chair in the jungle, I sobbed. I went through every single person I love in my life and thanked them. Everyone that I could think that has positively impacted my life. I humbly said thank you. I felt embarrassed for not being as grateful as I should be in my life. I take for granted so much. I forgot how magical everything is.

Morning Chants & Free Movement

I barely slept that night, not wanting to forget the lessons I had learned. In the morning, everyone was exhausted. Apparently there was a third cup and live spiritual rock concert in the fire temple that I slept through. The closing ceremony started at around 9am. We all got into a small circle and danced and sang our hearts out. We held hands and all smiled possessed with positivity. Unlike the first morning, I felt a burst of energy. I could have danced for hours. I stomped my feet, waved my arms around freely and sang the chants from my heart. I understood then how people leave everything to go live in hippie communes or accidentally join a spiritual cult in India. It felt so happy and joyful. Leaving the fire temple, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I really don’t think anything could have made me angry in that moment.

My Last Day in the Jungle of Costa Rica

The lead volunteer made an egg breakfast with SALT and avocados, things we were forbidden to eat before the ceremony. Each bite I took of the eggs, I thanked the food gods. The avocado sprinkled with pink Himalayan salt melted in my mouth and I swear I was on the verge of tears.

After breakfast, Darien and I went to play in the river. It was our fifth day on the property. We spent every day at the river in nature our first two days. I loved it regardless of the hundred bug bites on my legs. The jungle has the largest spiders I’ve ever seen in my life. I saw snakes, lizards, toucans–nothing like what I am used to in Chicago. The property was filled with cabins, different temples and spaces for ceremonies, a huge living space with a kitchen and lounge area, and multiple houses for the shaman and his family and the volunteers. The shaman, his partner, his three children, two volunteers, and a few residents live on the property. The community is filled with gringos and expats who came to buy land and live in the jungle. Many of the properties hold retreats for yoga, plant medicine, or overall health.

Final Thoughts on my Ayahausca Experience

My experience was wonderful. I loved the retreat, the fire ceremonies, and my time with ayahuasca. I’m not sure if I would ever go back and do the same retreat again. And honestly, I’m not sure if I would recommend this particular retreat for everyone. It was very music-based and did not have a ton of guidance. On the other hand, it is very inexpensive compared to other retreats, perfect for backpackers. We had a lot of free time our first two days to explore, read, and hang out. The food was tasty and abundant. Everyone was so kind and helpful.

Before I drank ayahuasca, I had the mindset that ayahuasca isn’t for everyone. After my experience, I would encourage everyone to try it. There are some health conditions that might limit some people, but besides that I think ayahuasca is special and has incredible healing powers that anyone could benefit from. One ceremony might be enough for a person, others might benefit from monthly ceremonies.

As cliché as it might sound, it was 100% a life changing experience, something I will never ever forget. I didn’t share everything that happened during the ceremony. The ceremony itself could probably be an entire novel. Also, I’m not sure how to put into words some of the visions and revelations I had.

I think with anything the key is integration, using what I learned and integrating into my everyday life. I hope to carry the spirit of Aya with me, the gratitude and insight I gained from her with me everyday. <3

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I know it’s probably hard to understand and some of you may think I’m nuts, but oh well (lol). My hope is to share the experience for those who need to hear it. At our last sharing circle our shaman explained, “you are all Ayahuasca Ambassadors now, welcome.” So now that it’s official, if you have questions, let me know! <3

*Check our Part I of this blog for details about the retreat and my initial thoughts and intentions.